I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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