i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You are the jesus of drinking
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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