well I can't set my house on fire every night
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
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