he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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