you guys were way drunker than both of me
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Randomize
