my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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