i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
