bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Randomize
