just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Don't EVER smell your tampon
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Randomize
