Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize