hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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