Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
