Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
