Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
