I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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