I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
