Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
