maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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