I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
