You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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