She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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