so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Pants are for mortals
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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