Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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