Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
