I think I can smell my own vagina right now
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
