I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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