he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
