my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
