I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
