I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
