i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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