I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
