I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I wish I only lived at night.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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