literally had 100 drinks last night.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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