Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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