I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
