there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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