dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
