i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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