I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
We left the knife in your bed.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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