Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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