Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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