So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
3 2 1 whiskey
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
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