I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
