hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
