he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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