i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
