Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
