I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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