My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
