Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
