I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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