Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
