I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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