i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
