Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
