don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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