I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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