For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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