TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
