Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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