thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
