My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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