there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
