Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
