Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
